The hardest part of it all is the isolation.
The feeling of being an outcast.
And you have to do everything on your own. You have to struggle alone. You have to be strong even if it’s only you.
And with my the birthday week coming up, I can’t help but think about the what ifs.
I have been saving. And prepping for a lot of things to happen. But knowing that I won’t be able to pursue them, simply is crushing.
And how am I to spend my day when all the plans have gone?
The solitude is screaming. And I can’t even help myself.
I’m so tired that I don’t even have the energy to defend myself. Much more, the strength to take another step.
Or am I just overthinking things? Am I depressed? But just too shameful to accept that I am weak?
Is this a battle between myself and ego?
I have soo many thoughts. And my chest pound harder each time a thought comes rushing in.
Maybe, the truth is that I am not ready to let go. To fully let go, yet.
And I am struggling. I am anxious.
But at the same time, I am healing.
And one day, I will be okay. I will be better.
And I will start letting this all slip through.
Be calm. Take it all in. Embrace them. Without judgment. Without pride.
After all, healing won’t come if I don’t accept it with open arms.